My parents live in a 65 and over community, and most of the tenants are well “over.” There is a running joke about how many of the women who’ve lost their spouses decide to stay single, while the few single men who move in rarely stay single long enough to unpack.
Turns out, it’s no joke.
While the scientific studies of relationships used to consider only committed partnerships, a new study aims to change that. With declining marriage rates around the world and the number of individuals choosing to live alone rising, there is a greater need to understand singles’ well-being.
Elaine Hoan and Geoff MacDonald from the Psychology Department at the University of Toronto set out to better understand how the experience of being single differs between genders.
“One common stereotype is that single women are unattractive and miserable “spinsters” while single men are labeled as romantically desired “bachelors.” – Study excerpt by Elaine Hoan and Geoff MacDonald, 2024
However, it’s no surprise to many of us Old Maids, that their findings suggest that women are, on average, happier in singlehood than men. They came to this conclusion based on a set of 4 basic criteria: satisfaction with relationship status, life satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, and desire for a partner.
1. Relationship Status
It seems women are more okay with the idea of being single and living on their own.
While societal norms have begun to make a single life more acceptable, expectations within partnered relationships still put the weight of household responsibilities and childcare on the woman. So while single women are relieved of many duties, single men are left having to take on additional responsibilities.
Whereas women once felt pressured to marry as a means of monetary and physical security, they have more options today and are more likely to find satisfaction as individuals.
2. Life Satisfaction
Their research revealed that single women reported greater life satisfaction overall (a.k.a. well-being) than single men.
This in great part stems from women being able to form relationships more easily outside of romantic ones. While men tend to be more solitary, women find support amongst their friends and family.
As discussed in a previous post about Making Friends After 50, it’s not always easy to do, but women are more likely to seek out non-romantic companionships. They’re also willing to do the work necessary to maintain them. These connections are a life raft to many of us Modern Old Maids.
3. Sexual Satisfaction
While it may seem like single men are more apt and able to find sexual satisfaction on their own, the study shows that single women are more satisfied with their sex lives.
The theory is that women’s needs are deprioritized in monogamous relationships, leaving them feeling less satisfied. As singles, they’re able to meet their needs in a range of ways not linked to any partner’s satisfaction.
In a complete reversal of common perceptions, men are less sexually satisfied by experiences outside of committed relationships. They are more able to be themselves and prefer the prioritization of their pleasure that comes with a long-term partnership.
Go figure.
4. Desire for a Partner
It’s common sense to link one’s motivation to be in a relationship to whether or not they’re happy living outside of one. But, as women gain more equality in the workplace and are able to support themselves financially, they are less motivated to seek out a life partner.
“With women catching up to men in the workplace, it has never been more palatable to be a single woman living alone and taking care of herself.” – Hoan and MacDonald, 2024
Once upon a time, women were required to marry in order to have children and buy homes. Now, traditional relationships are a choice and more women are choosing to focus on themselves. This lowered desire to partner leads to their greater satisfaction with being single overall.
A Modern Old Maid’s Take
Obviously, none of this is particularly earth-shattering to those of us who already live this reality. However, it is more proof that we are not crazy, oddball, unchosen spinsters. We are a part of a generational change. Our mothers and grandmothers didn’t have the options we have today.
I drove one of my aunts from Palm Springs to visit my parents in San Diego a while back and we had a long talk about my still being single. There was not so much judgment in her questioning as a sense of wonder. I was actually enjoying my life and had no regrets and she was like “Oh, that’s an option?”
Sure, the majority of women will still choose the romance of marriage, and that’s cool too. But, it’s no longer about the right way or the wrong way. There are no winners or losers.
