The holidays are bearing down on us and, while we’re expected to be merry, it can also be a time of melancholy. It’s one time of the year when I can feel my aloneness turn towards loneliness. When I decorate a tree that no one but me will see. When I realize how very short my shopping list is. When I’m watching cheesy romantic holiday movies and am reminded that I have no one to lovingly smirk and shake his head at my adorably messy cookie baking.
Love Being Alone, Hate Being Lonely
Whether it’s a certain time of year or any random day, it’s not wrong to feel lonely. We can own our old-maidness and love our single life 364 days of the year, but that one day the lonely bug bites, it can make you feel pretty low.
I had a moment recently, I don’t know if it was one specific thing or just the holiday blahs, but I felt suddenly, desperately lonely. One of those moments where I was tempted to ring up an ex or, the lowest of low, log back into a dating app.
I could have reached out to friends or family to remind myself I’m not actually alone in the world. I could have tried one of my own suggestions for going out and making new friends. Or I could have turned on some No Doubt and danced myself into a better mood. Instead, I decided to sit with those feelings and try embracing the loneliness. I poured myself a scotch, burrowed into my favorite throw, and just sat with that uncomfortably lonely feeling.
Sit, Sat, Saught
And you know what? Loneliness, I realized, is just another emotion in our emotional toolbox – like happiness anger, or discombobulation. It doesn’t define who we are, and it certainly doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us. It comes and goes.
The Merriam Webster’s definitions of ‘alone’ and ‘lonely’ are annoyingly similar; both defined as “separated from others,” which intellectually and grammatically I comprehend. But, I also know they are emotionally very different states of being. Loneliness is when being alone no longer feels good.
I love my solo Netflix binges, my ability to eat bacon for dinner without judgment, and the fact that no one questions my adoration of ‘80s pop hits. Being alone can be downright delightful. And loneliness? That’s just another aspect of the human experience – even people in houses crammed full of people can feel lonely.
Peace On Earth and On This Couch
So this holiday season, I’m making peace with both my solitude and my occasional loneliness. I’m decorating that tree just for me, because why else am I letting those decorations take up so much storage space the rest of the year? I’m baking those messy cookies and laughing at myself when half of them burn. I’m creating my own traditions that celebrate both my independence and my vulnerability.
And if that lonely bug bites again? Well, I’ll curl up on the couch with it once again, acknowledge it, maybe even thank it for reminding me how deeply I can feel. Then I’ll probably blast some Material Girl anyway, because who says you can’t dance with your feelings?
There’s something beautiful about being able to hold both these truths: that we can be contentedly alone and occasionally lonely, sometimes even in the same moment.
