Being Single Does Not Mean Being Always Available – How To Avoid Becoming A Doormat

The unspoken expectation that your time, money, and energy are community property — and how to reclaim them without burning bridges.

Let me paint you a picture: It’s Friday afternoon, and your colleague Janet (bless her heart) is in a bind because her sitter canceled. She scans the office, eyes landing on you with that hopeful look. “Since you don’t have kids to rush home to, could you possibly cover my presentation on Monday? I’ll totally make it up to you!”

Sound familiar? Welcome to the Single Woman Tax — that unwritten social contract where your time is somehow less valuable because it’s not allocated to a spouse or children.

The “Always Available” Assumption

Let’s get real for a minute. Being single at our age comes with some spectacular perks — control of the remote, diagonal sleeping, and eating cereal for dinner without judgment (don’t act like you haven’t). But there’s always a flip side.

Somewhere along the way, society decided that single women — especially those of us on the north side of 50 — are the designated backup humans for everyone else’s lives.

Your brother needs someone to watch his kids during their spring break? “Ask sis, she’s single!”

The office needs a volunteer to work late? “Susan doesn’t have family obligations!”

Friend’s destination wedding? “You have disposable income, right?”

Let me check my bank account real quick… Nope.

The Emotional Cost Nobody Invoices For

The underlying assumption that your time is less sacred carries a weight that accumulates. It’s not just about the actual favors; it’s the subtle message that your life choices have somehow rendered your time less valuable, your boundaries more flexible, your wallet more accessible.

And let’s talk about that “disposable income” myth — as if being single means you’re swimming in cash rather than carrying the entire financial burden of adulthood on one set of shoulders. Sure, there are some savings, but last I checked, my mortgage didn’t offer a “Single Ladies” discount.

There are absolutely some fabulous benefits to being single that include free time and no dependents, but that’s the point – I like those things and want to keep them for myself. It’s not being selfish any more than parents enjoying the benefits of spending time and money on their offspring. Choices!

The Emotional Toll Escalation:

• First, there’s the guilt you feel for saying no
• Then comes the resentment that builds when you say yes
• Or the exhaustion of having to justify your free time or lie about how you’re too busy to perform requested task
• Of course this is all due to the festering trepidation of actually setting boundaries with those who’ve become dependent on your generosity

Boundary-Setting Tools That Don’t Make You the Villain

So how do we break this cycle without becoming the Mean Old Maid? Here is my not fool-proof four step plan for building that boundary wall gentle brick by gentle brick.

Step 1. The Delayed Response

When hit with a request, try: “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.” This simple buffer prevents the automatic yes and gives you time to consider whether this request aligns with your priorities. It also gives the person making the request a subtle reminder that you’re not at their beck and call.

Step 2. The Pre-emptive Schedule

Start sharing your hobbies and plans before anyone can assume you’re free. This is also a great way to take up your share of the relationship space so not every conversation becomes about their life. Your choices don’t need external validation. Self-care, creative pursuits, and simple rest are legitimate uses of your time.

Step 3. Negotiation Tactics

A bit of a baby step toward an outright no. ”I can’t do that, but here’s what I can offer instead…” This approach acknowledges that you care without sacrificing your boundaries. Maybe you can’t babysit all weekend, but you could take the kids for ice cream on Sunday afternoon.

Step 4. The Uncomfortable Truth

Eventually, if they’re not getting the hint from steps 1-3, radical honesty is required: “I’ve noticed I’m often the go-to for last-minute coverage because people assume I have fewer commitments. My time is actually quite precious to me, and I need to protect it.” Or, maybe it’s time for payback; “I’ve covered for you the last three holidays. I was hoping you could cover for me this time.”

Yes, this might make people squirm (including yourself) — but that discomfort should be on them recognizing they’ve overstepped, not a problem for you to solve.

The Freedom of No

Here’s something I’ve learned the hard way: Every time you say yes to something that drains your energy without filling your spirit, you’re saying no to something that might. That book you’ve been meaning to write? That trip to Portugal? That uninterrupted weekend of blissful couch potato-ing? They’re all waiting on the other side of your no.

The most powerful realization I’ve had is that people will treat your time the way you treat your time. When you start behaving as though your agenda matters (because — newsflash — it absolutely does), others gradually fall in line.

And for those who don’t? Well, that’s valuable information about who deserves access to your one wild and precious life. 

Mad Respect to the Boundary-Respecters

I’m always more than happy to help out the people I love, but I am also acutely aware of lopsided relationships. If at some point they become more of a burden than a joy, I’m willing to step back and test the waters without that connection. 

Much like certain parts of my anatomy, my friendship circle has shifted over the years in part due to this kind of rebalancing. The good news is that setting boundaries, while initially uncomfortable, eventually attracts people who respect them.

So the next time someone eyes you as the obvious solution to their problem “because you’re single,” remember: Your life choices have given you freedom, not community servitude. Your time is yours to allocate according to your priorities. And “no” is a complete sentence — though I usually add a smile because I’m not a monster.

What boundaries have you struggled to set as a single woman? Drop a comment below — I’d love to hear how you’ve navigated these waters. (And if you’ve perfected the art of saying no without apologizing, please share your secrets. I’m still working on that one myself.)